Bush to Seek Impeachment Through Blowjob

It was a bold maneuver that may confound historians for generations. George W. Bush announced in an informal press conference earlier today that he will not resign the presidency, but will rather request he be impeached by Congress after receiving a sloppy gobble of his bald-headed hermit underneath the presidential desk in the West Wing.

“I lied to Congress about the reasons for invading Iraq. I violated international law by invading a sovereign country without the backing of the U.N. I violated the Geneva Convention by torturing prisoners,” said an unusually contrite Bush. “Seems like the only way I can get impeached is if I can get someone to slob on my knob!”

Congress has been reluctant to consider articles of impeachment for Bush despite seemingly insurmountable evidence and rising public support. フェラされたい Experts think this stonewall has been due to Republican unwavering control of the entire federal government and the volatile, partisan atmosphere in Washington.

Modern precedent for violations deserving impeachment can be traced to the Gingrich-led Republican Congress during the Clinton presidency of the 90’s. Even after Bush authorized illegal wiretaps on American citizens in direct violation of the Constitution and displayed gross negligence in the response to Hurricane Katrina, impeachment hearings seem unlikely without the push a good sperm burper would provoke.

Sources in the White House admit they’ve long suspected Bush had been searching for a way out of the presidency, that he felt he was in over his head. “At first he’d been sure the American public would have had enough after failing to capture Osama for so long,” said one source close to the President. When that didn’t materialize, Bush had hoped the ongoing Abramoff and Plame scandals would rub off on him.”

“He soon realized that unbelievable malfeasance, unbridled corruption and utter incompetence wouldn’t be enough. The only way out was to commit the one action that Republicans find unforgivable: getting his purple helmeted yogurt chucker slobbered all over.”

New House Majority leader Rep. Boehner agrees. “A Republican president could kick a puppy down the street, feed babies to crocodiles and punch a pregnant woman in the gut and we here in the Republican controlled House would pretty much just sit around with our thumbs up our butts.

“But if he got a hummer on Capital Grounds, we’d have to impeach him or we’d look like unprincipled, hypocritical assholes.” Boehner added, “Hey, stop laughing at my last name. It’s not pronounced like that.”

Bush has appointed Henry Kissinger as chairman of the ‘Commission to Head Oral Acquisitions for Democracy’, or CHOAD. The committee that will make final recommendation for who will be chosen to bite Bush’s crank. Although Laura Bush is the most likely candidate and the crowd favorite, Sean Hannity is rumored to be making a late run for the position.

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